Saturday, June 23, 2012

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Wow, well this movie was... yeah, it was something! It was completely ridiculous, and quite frankly, a terrible movie from start to finish. And yet, it was also a total blast to sit through. So basically, it was pretty much everything I could have ever asked of it, a completely horribly awesome experience.

So this movie is exactly what the title suggests, Abraham Lincoln is secretly a vampire hunter. He witnesses a vampire killing his mother as a child, and, growing up with vengeance in heart (which, by the way, did you know that if you make a promise to someone, you're no longer bound to that promise after they've died?), Honest Abe seeks out his mother's killer and finds himself dragged into an entirely new line of work in the process: Rising politician by day, but vampire hunter by night.

As the story progresses and we get more into Abe's political stuff, the story tends to get a bit clunky. And even in a bad movie such as this, where you already expect the worst, the clunky storytelling really sticks out. But it's worth it in the end, because once the action starts, this movie just loses its freaking mind!

The actions scenes are entirely ridiculous! If Abe spent less time twirling his axe around and showing off, he'd probably be much better at this whole vampire hunting thing than he already is. Then again, not that it'd make that big a difference, as he (and eventually, all of his friends) are apparently the most physically able men when it comes to laying waste to vampires. (Did you know that you can cut down a tree with a single blow just so long as you possess... the truth?)

But it's not just Abe's axe twirling antics that are ridiculous. We're talking chase scenes running over the backs of stampeding horses (he threw a horse), extended fight scenes on top of toppling trains (he threw a horse), and, my favorite, an action scene that takes place entirely in pitch black (he threw a freaking horse)! Quite frankly, the action scenes left me about as mesmerized as Abe himself was near the end at the sight of a mere fork! But yeah, this movie definitely excels in the action department. In fact, I'm pretty sure that so much of their budget going into all the pretty explosions could explain why they apparently couldn't even afford the makeup to age any of the characters other than Abe. That, or maybe all of his friends and family are just vampires, who knows?

As for the vampires themselves, these could quite possibly be the least imaginative interpretation of them yet. They can conveniently wander around in the sun (just because), and they have those crappy overly exaggerated monster mouths that's such a popular trend these days for some odd reason. It looks terrible, but that kind of goes with the territory. And their powers are completely inconsistent throughout the movie. One second, they're so fast that your eyes can't keep up with them, the next, they can't even outrun someone packing their rifle from just a few yards away. And while they're strong enough to be able to hold a damn train from falling to its doom, they're apparently physically incapable of breaking through a door.

So yeah, this movie happened. I was laughing throughout, as were the other five people in the theater. But in the end, we all know how Abraham Lincoln's clearly historically accurate tale ends. In fact, after everything that happened to him up to this point and all of the crazy shit Abe survived, the fact that he ultimately goes down the way that he does may be the most ridiculous thing in the whole movie! Certainly a less than desirous ending for good ol' Honest Abe. But yeah, like I said, terrible movie, but worth every penny.


  1. Yay! I was most desirous of this post. Such a fun movie with friends who can truly appreciate its greatness. (He threw a horse!)

  2. So...did he become a vampire? Is he going to be on True Blood? I saw the ad and was intrigued. I know the book was crap but I still hope the movie is better.

  3. The premise is ridiculous, but so is this movie and that's what makes it a lot of fun. Still, could have been a whole lot crazier like I was expecting. Good review Chris.

  4. @Cynthia, Yes, seeing this with friends certainly helped make it a very whelming experience. XP

    @Dao, I actually heard the book wasn't bad, and I'm tempted to check it out myself after seeing this movie. I think you'd like the movie, though. Check it out if you get the chance. (Not so sure we'll be seeing Abe making any True Blood cameos any time soon, though.) ;)

    @Dan, Thanks! The movie actually outdid my own expectations for crazy, at least whenever there was action happening on screen, so in that regard I was satisfied. But yeah, less of his regular political stuff would have definitely improved the fun factor.