Tuesday, December 27, 2011

My Top 5 WORST Movies of 2011

So now that we covered the best of the year, it's time to take a look at my picks for the worst movies the year had to offer. Sorry, no pretty pictures for this one.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon
(Michael Bay)

Now I'm someone who actually likes and enjoys the first two Transformers movie. Yes, even the universally panned second movie. But this, this one was just unbearable. Perhaps if the movie hadn't spent 90 minutes following around Shia LaBeouf as he acts like a pompous little ingrate and tries to find a job. Or maybe if the movie hadn't tried to completely re-write Optimus Prime's character (who should be the main protagonist in a freaking Transformers movie!), giving a big ol' middle finger to all prior Transformers continuity, the previous two movies included. Or possibly if the movie had actually focused just a tiny little bit on the actual transformers themselves instead of the boring human characters. Maybe, just maybe, this might be a half decent movie.

But in the end, Shia LaBeouf is insufferable, we have to sit through the obnoxious antics of Ken Jeong, and all of the action fails to impress in the least. The whole damn movie just falls completely flat, not to mention it's one of several utterly boring movies that make up this list. How this steaming pile of crap somehow received an applause from the audience in attendance still baffles me to this day.

The Green Hornet
(Michael Gondry)

Now here's a movie that just never knows when to get to the damn point. Every single scene overstays its welcome, and just drags on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. And just when it looks like they're finally getting somewhere, guess what? They don't! Nope, just keeps on dragging on! Hell, this whole movie can be summarized by that scene in the trailer, where Jay Chou snaps off a bottle cap, and it flies into the camera all stylish. In the movie, when this happens, we follow the bottle cap as it continues to fly, just waiting to see where it might land, and what it might do. Except, it doesn't do anything. We just sit there and continue to follow as it slowly drifts to the ground. And that's pretty much how every single scene in this movie can be described.

The fact that the movie suddenly chooses to hold the audience's hand and treat them like a moron near the end, summarizing up the entire plot in a misplaced 5 minute segment (I guess for everyone who was texting during the movie instead of paying attention) is just one last slap in the face before it finally wraps things up.

The Tree of Life
(Terrence Malick)

Unlike the first two movies on this list, I can actually understand how someone might like this movie. If you're into all that artsy-fartsy mumbo-jumbo, then this one's right up your alley! But for me, this movie was so over-the-top obnoxious and full of itself, it almost felt like a parody of your typical pretentious arthouse film. But honestly, despite being further down on the list, this movie actually does have more going for it than the other two thus far. Brad Pitt gives us an incredible performance. It's just a shame that his role in the movie is so short compared to all the other crap.

And it's all that other crap that makes this movie place as far down the list as it is, because my god, this is, without a shadow of a doubt, one of the absolute most boring movies I have ever seen. I'm actually surprised that I even made it all the way through without walking out. But it's certainly a love it or hate it kind of movie, and if it's not your thing, as is the case with me, then you're not gonna like this one at all.

(Paul Feig)

And here's what's likely to be another unpopular inclusion in my list, but, again, what can I say? I just don't get the hype for this one. And it's not because I'm a guy, like several people have told me. No, I know a lot of guys who really enjoyed this movie, too! But I dunno, I just didn't think the movie was funny, save for the scene on the airplane. It was just really long and overly drawn out.

And most of the characters weren't even the least bit likable. Hell, I hated them, and they deserved all the bad crap that happened to them. And even the movie itself apparently didn't care too much for some of them, as there's several characters who just drop off the face of the earth about halfway through, never to have their story arcs reach any kind of actual resolution. Makes you wonder why they even bothered to include them at all in this already bloated movie. But I dunno, a lot of people seemed to like this, so maybe they're just seeing something that I'm not.

But while some of the movies on this list I can sort of see how someone might find enjoyment out of it, the same can not be said for my #1 pick for the absolute WORST movie of the year.

The Hangover: Part II
(Todd Phillips)

Mother of god. This movie is ABYSMAL! Not just the worst of this year, but one of the worst I've ever, ever seen. I don't have one kind thing to say about it, there is absolutely no redeeming value in this horrifyingly awful movie. There is not one laugh to be had in this supposed comedy, not one little chuckle. Nothing.

Now, everyone keeps saying that this is just the same movie as the first, but no, that's not the case here. This movie spends its entire run-time merely referencing the first movie. "Hey, remember when we did that before?" Yeah, that's this entire movie, just three guys wandering from one unfunny situation to another, all the while just reminiscing on the last time all this crap happened to them.

But you wanna know the difference between this time and last? It was actually funny the last time! It was actually something new, something fresh, and something worth watching! Something that I can't say about this movie at all. Sure, the first movie's worth talking about, but not for the entire duration of your sequel! Top it all off by making all of the characters completely unlikeable this time around, and you're in for a movie that'll do nothing short of piss you off.

So there, that's it. Oh, and I suppose I should make a few dishonorable mentions as well. Cowboys & Aliens, Killer Elite, Limitless, and Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides are all great big pieces of doo-doo as well.

Basically, all of these movies are just one big, unfunny joke. And, going off of that horrible transition, I'm now gonna share with you the actual funniest jokes of the year, to end things on a brighter note. Sure, they're out of context, but screw it!

Top 3 Funniest Lines of 2011:

#3: "I'm not kissing ya!" -Tommy Lee Jones, Captain America: The First Avenger

#2: "Go fuck yourself." -Hugh Jackman, X-Men: First Class

#1: "Honestly guys, I never thought I'd die like this. I always thought I'd meet a nice girl and settle down, and then she'd eat my head. So sad." -Seth Rogan, Kung Fu Panda 2


  1. Hold on right there, buddy! Bridesmaids, Green Hornet, and Tree of Life?! Are you insane?

    Ok, that was harsh but srsly, there are some movies worse than those 5 out there. To name a few: The Dilemma, Bad Teacher, Green Lantern (hey!) and Limitless.

  2. Well, Limitless did get a dishonorable mention from me. ;)

    I think Green Lantern's unfairly hated on, and actually woulda made it in my Top 20 of the year. It's just a fun movie that knows what it is and never takes itself too seriously.

    As for the other two, I didn't really have any interest in checking them out.